Dealing with Temper Tantrums: 7 Strategies for Survival
In navigating the world of parenting, dealing with temper tantrums is one of the most difficult tasks given to parents. Each day brings its unique set of trials, leaving parents to grapple with uncertainty and frustration. Without a definitive instruction manual to guide the way, we’re left to chart our own course through uncharted waters.
Each child has their own unique personality and behaviors. For instance, my little boy always craves control. If he wants chicken nuggets and we’re serving fish sticks, he dramatically collapses to the floor in despair. Engaging in the power struggle amplifies his frustration, so I’ve learned to tread carefully.
On the other hand, my daughter’s greatest wish is to conquer everything effortlessly. Since she was 18 months old, if she couldn’t reach the pedals on her tricycle or achieve the speed she wanted, she’d experience a full-blown MELTDOWN!!! A common refrain from her has always been, ‘WHY IS THIS SO HARD?!!!’ She’s determined to master tasks long before she’s developmentally ready.
Strong-Willed Children
As you can see, I have very strong-willed children. While their little personalities can be a challenge, I’m grateful they are strong-willed. My children will never let anyone walk on them. And as adults, they are more likely to have a good sense of what they want in life and have the drive to get it. Personally, I don’t want to shut down these qualities while they are little because their strong wills can serve them well in adulthood. However, these behaviors need to be redirected carefully.
While working in child care, I’ve managed to learn some tips and tricks for dealing with temper tantrums. It’s important to have lots of tools and strategies because each child is different. And each child will even feel differently from day to day. One strategy may work one day, but not the next. It’s great to have alternative strategies if your “go-to tantrum-move” fails.
7 Strategies for Dealing with temper tantrums
1). When your child has a temper tantrum, find ways to acknowledge their feelings. Sometimes having their feelings understood can help children calm down. No one likes to have their feelings ignored or misunderstood. Like all of us, sometimes they are trying to communicate their feelings in the only way they know how.
When in this situation, you can use phrases like:
“I see you don’t like it when…your brother steals your toy.”
“It’s frustrating when you can’t…run as fast as the bigger kids.”
“I see you’re disappointed that…your sister wants to play by herself right now.”
2). On a similar note, sometimes clarifying the emotion they are feeling makes a big difference.
The first time I tried this technique with my son, he was 2 years old. He wanted to play with his stuffed monkey but he couldn’t find it. He had a complete meltdown on our living room floor.
I said, “It makes you sad you can’t find Monkey!”
He threw his little arms around me and bawled for about a minute, and then he was done. It doesn’t work every time, but young toddlers may have a hard time understanding what they are feeling. Dr. Daniel Seigel calls this technique “Name it to Tame It” in his book, “The Whole Brain Child.”
Dealing with Temper Tantrums During Transitions
3). What if you’re trying to get your child to do something and they are refusing to do it? If you and your child need to leave the park and they don’t want to, try to help them imagine what it would be like if they could stay. Say something like…
“I know you don’t want to leave the park. Could you imagine if we could just stay here and camp out under the stars?” Be creative and silly with this one.
“Wouldn’t it be nice if we could…? What if we…?
This works because it’s unexpected and diffuses the situation if it’s done playfully. Small children love to play in an imaginative world. It’s a form of redirection and can be helpful with transitions.
4). One of the most difficult tasks for children are transitioning from one activity to another. Because it’s hard to change gears mid-play, transitions can easily create a power struggle between you and your child. But, how do you feel when you’re focused on a project and someone (ahem…a 3-year-old, perhaps), asks you for a snack? Many of us, even as adults, don’t deal with transitions well throughout the day. With that in mind, think about how often we expect our children to transition during the day.
Whenever possible, give a 2-5 minute warning or a transition period so they can wrap up whatever they are doing. This strategy has saved us from so many tantrums, especially when we’re trying to get everyone out the door.
At the Store
5). While at the store with your child, keep a notepad with you to write down things that they want. Children need to understand that not every trip to the store is about purchasing something that they want.
My kids LOVE going to Home Depot and Lowe’s. (Weird, right?) My husband spends a lot of time renovating houses and apartments, so it makes sense that they are fascinated by tools. Recently, we were in Lowe’s one day and my 3-year-old son wanted tools like his daddy. We let him play with child size versions of tools, but he REALLY wants big tools like his Daddy. One day, we were in the tool aisle and he wanted a screw driver set. Yeah, a REAL ONE! When we said no, he started to throw a fit.
I said, “How about we write it down in Mommy’s notebook, and that way I know exactly what to get you for Christmas!”
I wrote down every tool he wanted. Then he took my notebook and admired his list for the rest of the trip.
6). Acknowledge feelings through drawing. For example, try having your child draw faces of how they are feeling when they are having big feelings. This has worked well for my daughter. She loves to draw, so it makes her feel good to draw sad or mad faces when she’s upset. If your child can’t draw yet, you can draw faces for them, to help them understand the emotion they are feeling.
The Power of Distractions
7). While kids are little, creating simple distractions can be very powerful. One technique I use with my kids frequently is distracting them by asking them to do a favor for me.
If they’re having a meltdown, I’ll say, “Hey, can you please help me get these chicken nuggets on the pan?” Or, “Can you bring mommy her water bottle? You’re such a good helper!”
Remember, every now and then, there’s no distraction or technique that will help during a temper tantrum and kids just need to cry. But the more ways you know how to help your child cope with their big feelings, the better off you and your family will be! You are not alone on this journey and every parent has had to learn to deal with temper tantrums. I hope these techniques help you find and keep the peace in your family!
