Gentle Parenting: Nurturing Connection with Firm Boundaries
In the realm of parenting, the term “gentle parenting” has faced its fair share of skepticism and misconceptions. I’ve recently read about some backlash against this parenting style; and to be honest, these thoughts and opinions about what is perceived as “gentle parenting” are not necessarily wrong.
Teachers nationwide are quitting because many children are out of control.
As a gentle parenting advocate, hear me out. If gentle parenting is so great, why do we have youth who are refusing to listen to adults or adhere to the rules at school?
Is Gentle Parenting to Blame?
I hope to shed light on the essence of gentle parenting, emphasizing its profound connection-building benefits while maintaining consistent boundaries. While criticisms may have valid points, it’s crucial to understand that parenting gently is not synonymous with permissive parenting. The disconnect lies between the perception of gentle parenting and what it actually is in practice.
Many parents and observers have seemingly missed the difference between gentle parenting (parenting with compassion, connection, and boundaries) and permissive parenting (parenting a child in such a way that they think they are in control—which is very scary for everyone involved, including the children).
Defining Gentle Parenting
Gentle parenting is a compassionate approach to parenting that prioritizes connection and understanding between parents and their children. It involves deciphering the messages behind a child’s behavior and responding with empathy. Contrary to the misconception, it is not permissive but rather encourages a balanced blend of compassion and firm boundaries.
The Pitfall of Permissive Parenting:
One common misunderstanding about this parenting style is its association with permissiveness. Many individuals, brought up in a “power over” parenting style (meaning utilizing command and control parenting or using punitive punishment methods), may inadvertently swing the pendulum too far towards permissiveness when adopting a gentler parenting approach. The roots of “power over” parenting are from earlier generations, who were raised when strict control was often necessary for survival.
Understanding Historical Context
To appreciate the shift towards a gentler parenting style, it’s crucial to acknowledge the historical context. Previous generations had to employ more authoritative parenting methods since disobedience could have severe consequences–possibly even life-threatening. Today, with our surroundings extensively child-proofed, parents have the ability to adopt a more respectful and empathetic parenting style.
The Balancing Act
To be clear, adopting this parenting style doesn’t mean allowing your child to rule the roost. Even when you’re guiding your child to do something they resist, it’s important to uphold consistent rules and boundaries. This delicate balancing act is challenging. But your child needs you to have rules and boundaries that you uphold. You still have to out-stubborn your children.
While on vacation, I recently witnessed another parent at the park desperately trying to get her 6-year-old to leave with her. I’m not gonna lie. It was painful to watch. She tried every gentle parenting trick in the book. She got on his level. She acknowledged his feelings. She tried to entice him to look at the gift shop with her. She had an ice cream date with his cousins set up for him. She had so much empathy and patience, I was actually quite impressed. However, I watched as she desperately tried to gently parent him to leave the park for a solid 45 minutes! To her credit, she never even raised her voice. But the child knew she wouldn’t enforce the boundary, so he kept playing and objecting to her every well-rehearsed gentle parenting move. This clearly wasn’t his first rodeo.
At the moment, she didn’t realize that her child needed her to enforce the boundary. Children feel safer when they have boundaries they can push up against, especially from a parent or trusted adult. They need you to hold the line.
Navigating Challenges and Addressing Stubbornness
Gentle parenting equips parents with tools to navigate challenges without resorting to authoritarian measures. While it may not guarantee a smooth resolution every time, it significantly reduces the likelihood of constant power struggles or harming the connection you’ve built with your child.
In the imperfect reality of parenting, there will be times when children resist gentle parenting techniques. What if your child is stubborn? Holding the line when necessary becomes essential. This may involve being stern and possibly enforcing time-outs or time-ins or even taking away something, such as electronics or ice cream with cousins. The essence of gentle parenting lies in building a strong connection with your child so that even durng moments of firm boundary-setting, the relationship remains intact.
Gentle parenting, when properly understood, is a powerful tool for fostering a deep connection with your child while still maintaining necessary boundaries. It’s not a license for permissiveness but rather a call to balance compassion and discipline in the complex journey of parenting. By acknowledging historical shifts and embracing the challenges, parents can navigate the delicate dance of gentle parenting with grace and resilience.
