From Mom to Me:
Finding a Fulfilling Identity in Motherhood
Do you ever feel that you’ve lost your identity in motherhood? Like a piece of you faded away once you held your baby in your arms? Do you feel a little lost when you think about who you once were before becoming a mother?
Remember, you’re not alone on this journey.
When you first begin on this new experience of motherhood, you are initiated with sleepless nights, midnight feedings, and constant care for a little being that depends entirely on you. It’s easy to get absorbed in the endless tasks that revolve around this tiny human.
Discovering a new identity in motherhood
During my first couple of years of motherhood, I had two little ones almost back-to-back. Baby B came first, and then Baby C came along 19 months later. Having two young children so close in age is both wonderful and tiring. During this period, finding space for myself was a real challenge.
Looking back, I wouldn’t change a thing. Seeing my children bond during their early years has been priceless, and B doesn’t even remember a time without her little brother.
As I watched my children grow and bond while attending to their every need, I often felt a sense of loss for who I had once been. Before children, much of my identity had been tied in music, performing, and singing. Once I became a mother, I had less time to devote to these passions.
I think it is natural to lose certain parts of your identity in motherhood; and now I believe it can be a positive transformation. Over time, I discovered a different side of myself—a more selfless, caring, and resilient person. Motherhood strengthened my character, and I no longer equated my identity with external pursuits like performing or accolades.
Perhaps when we die to ourselves for a time, we arise as new and better human beings.
Is it so bad that we become more selfless during our journey through motherhood due to the sacrifices we make? Especially during those initial stages?
I won’t sugarcoat it—motherhood is tough. And even figuring out who you are post-partum can be challenging. Motherhood, without a doubt, changes you. However, I don’t believe your old self is entirely gone.
Striving for balance
I firmly believe in balance. In our lives, we are constantly juggling responsibilities—raising children, nurturing our marriages, pursuing careers, managing households, maintaining our health, fostering social connections, and taking care of our mental and spiritual well-being. It exhausts me just writing that list! It’s important to acknowledge that at different times, one of these aspects may require more of our time and energy. However, true balance comes when none of these elements tips the scales for an extended period of time.
The reality is that life will always have its ebbs and flows. In one season, your children may demand most of your attention. In another, your marriage may require more nurturing. At times, your career might demand extra time, and at other phases of your life, your mental or physical health may need your focus.
If you’re struggling to reconnect with your identity in motherhood, you’re not alone. It can be challenging to see the light at the end of the tunnel—to see a time when you will one day be able to focus on your own self-care and self-discovery. But remember, you can start small and take one step at a time. Here are some practical steps to help you begin rediscovering who you are.
Find time to prioritize your needs
- Journal Your Thoughts. Find some quiet time just for yourself and put your thoughts on paper. Journaling can be surprisingly cathartic. Over time, you’ll untangle your own thoughts and feelings around various aspects of your life.
- Embrace Physical Fitness. Make time for your physical fitness each week. Exercise helps boost both your physical and mental well-being, giving you more energy while lifting your spirits.
- Set achievable goals. Set some small goals for yourself and tackle them each day. Even achieving small goals will boost your self-confidence and self-esteem. Start with small goals like making your bed daily, decluttering a few items, or organizing your purse.
- Rediscover Old Hobbies. Carve out time for activities you used to enjoy. Whether it’s reading a book, starting a creative project like crochet, playing or listening to music, or dancing, these hobbies can rekindle your sense of self.
Seek support from your friends and family
- Seek Support from Your Partner. If you are overwhelmed by motherhood, talk to your spouse or significant other, if you have one. See if your partner can take some of the responsibilities from you so you can have the space to find yourself again. Be clear and kind in your communication but ask for what you want.
- Prioritize Date Nights. Hire a babysitter and go on a date with your spouse or significant other. Rediscover who you are together and add dating your spouse to your calendar regularly.
- Enlist Help from Friends or Family. If you don’t have a spouse or someone in your household to assist, reach out to a friend or family member for help, or consider hiring a babysitter. Use this time to rejuvenate by visiting a coffee shop, going for a walk, or engaging in activities that make you feel alive again.
- Connect Through Phone Calls. Instead of texting, try calling a friend. Like it’s the nineties! Even if it means multi-tasking while making dinner with the children playing in the background. Your fellow mom friends will understand.
- Have Fun with Your Kids. Remember you can be fun, too! Put the household chores aside and run around the house with your kids, have a dance party, or have a board game night. Reconnect with your inner child.
- Seek Therapy. If you continue to struggle and feel disconnected from yourself, seeking therapy can be a valuable option. A therapist can help you explore your feelings, provide an outside perspective, and guide you on a path to self-discovery.
Find your identity in motherhood
Finding our identity in motherhood will look different for each us. I’m still navigating my path back to a future that may or may not involve music. It’s okay to go through different seasons and pathways to discover who you are again. Embrace who you are now as a mother and take quiet moments to discover the “you” in this new role. You are a different person than you were before you had your children.
You may find that you embrace your old sense of self differently now, but it doesn’t mean you’ve lost yourself. Maybe it means you’re still finding yourself. Embrace your journey of motherhood and remember that you are not alone on this path of self-discovery.