Happy Little Moments
Letting Go of Mom Guilt: Embracing Imperfections as a Working Mom
As a professional working mom, you may struggle with the weight of mom guilt. Many mothers say things like, “I feel guilty for not being present enough for my kids.” If this is you, you’re far from alone. As we’re juggling busy or high-pressure careers with family responsibilities, the feeling that we’re not there enough for our kids can be overwhelming.
In this article, I will give you insights and strategies to help you, as a working mom, to let go of the mom guilt and the feeling of needing to be the “supermom” society expects of you.
What is Mom Guilt?
Mom guilt is a complex emotion – that persistent feeling that you’re not doing enough for your children, despite all of your best efforts. For us working moms, mom guilt particularly manifests itself as a sense of inadequacy when it comes to being present in our kids’ lives.
And let’s admit it. If you’re a career mom, feelings of inadequacy, similar to “imposter syndrome,” is something we fight nearly every day. These feelings of inadequacy lead to a whole host of other problems: anxiety, depression, or just not feeling good enough.
Sound familiar?
How Did We Get Here?
In the U.S., our ideal version of the “perfect mom” didn’t get here overnight. It’s deeply rooted in our society’s expectations of women from decades ago. In the 1950s and ’60s, the mother of the household was presented as the perfect homemaker for her family.
However, as more women entered the workforce in the ’70s, ’80s, and so on, the belief became that women could “have it all” – both an amazing career and a thriving family.
Furthermore, this portrayal of working moms is amplified by celebrities, executives, and influencers who get lots of attention for being able to quickly bounce back to normal life right after having a baby. Many of these moms appear to have picture-perfect homes, high-pressure careers, look camera-ready at all times, and are also able to attend every school event–all while nursing an 8-week-old baby.
The truth is, we’re not getting a real-life picture of their lives. We’re only getting mere glimpses of their highlights. And while, as moms, we may logically know we’re only seeing the highlight reel, our hearts think otherwise, throwing us into an emotional spiral and reinforcing the feeling that we’re not good enough.
Understanding Mom Guilt and Its Impacts
Mom guilt is a multifaceted emotion that stems from various sources. It’s that persistent feeling that you’re not doing enough for your children despite your best efforts. For working moms in particular, this guilt often manifests as a sense of inadequacy when it comes to being present in your children’s lives.
Unfortunately, if we allow these feelings of inadequacy to take hold of our lives, it can have significant negative impacts on both our personal and professional lives:
- Mental Health: Our persistent mom guilt can lead to anxiety, depression, burnout, and decreased overall mental well-being.
- Work Performance: Guilt leads us on a path to decreased focus and productivity at work. You may be thinking of the Pumpkin Patch field trip you’re missing at your child’s school that day or guilty that you can’t be a room mother.
- Relationship Strain: Mom guilt can even strain your relationship with your partner, child, and peers in the workforce.
- Self-Esteem: Constant feelings of guilt or inadequacy can affect your self-confidence over time both at home and at work.
As you can see, getting a handle on mom guilt is crucial to your parenting, as well as your career.
Letting Go of Perfection
One of the best things you can do for yourself as a mom is to let go of the idea of being the “perfect mom.” Because the perfect mom doesn’t exist. Even mothers who seem to have the perfect home and manage to attend every school event don’t have it all figured out. They, too, struggle with feelings of imperfection and inadequacy in motherhood.
Additionally, our idea of the perfect mom is unrealistic and idealized. And it’s also harmful to our well-being to think this unicorn of motherhood exists. No mother can always be available to her kids, is endlessly patient, or is present for every milestone or moment.
Remember in these moments that we feel mom guilt that everything worthwhile in life is hard. The beauty of modern times is that we have more options than generations before us. Life in and of itself is hard, but we get to “choose our hard,” which is an incredible blessing.
For example, the mental fortitude and patience of being a stay-at-home mom is incredibly difficult. But so is being a working mother who must meet the demands of a boss, a business, and a family.
Any choice that you make may be difficult, but choosing to raise children, regardless of whether you work or not, brings more joy than anything else in this world. Of course, that makes the difficulty of it all worth it.
The Benefits of Imperfect Parenting
Believe it or not, embracing imperfection in your parenting has its own benefits, too. It can even have several positive results for you and your kids:
- Modeling Resilience: Children who see their parents make mistakes but still make a comeback learn lessons in resilience and problem-solving. Children don’t listen to what we say as much as they imitate what we do. If your child can see you working through your imperfections and navigating your life’s challenges with resilience, they will be better able to handle the difficulties that arise in their own life.
- Encouraging Independence: Our children need to learn independence and who they are apart from us. Not being available for every moment allows your child the grace and space to develop independence and self-reliance. To be clear, we need to show up for our children as much as we can; however, allowing them to have some level of independence is not bad parenting.
- Authentic Relationships: Making mistakes shows your child that you are human and have flaws and struggles, too. This allows for a more authentic relationship with your child. If your child views you as always being the perfect mom, that will be a standard they will never be able to attain in the future.
- Reduced Stress: Accepting your imperfections in motherhood will significantly reduce stress levels for both you and your family. Since we cannot avoid some of our imperfections, we should embrace them and allow them to be lessons we can discuss with our children.
Strategies for Managing Mom Guilt
If you’re still feeling the mom guilt, that’s completely normal. Unfortunately, it may not be possible to eliminate it from our lives completely, but we can learn to manage it in healthier ways:
- Reframe Your Perspective. Redirect your focus from what you may be missing in your child’s life, and instead, think of the positive aspects being a working mom has on your child’s life:
- Being a working mom, you’re setting an example of ambition and hard work for your children.
- Your career contributes to your family’s financial stability and opportunities, including opportunities you may be able to give your children in the future.
- Working allows you to maintain an identity outside of being a mom, making you feel more fulfilled and well-rounded as a parent. (Link)
- Focus on Quality Over Quantity. The truth is, it’s not always about the amount of time you spend with your children. It’s about the quality of the time you spend with your kids. I have an entire article on this topic: 5 Strategies for Balancing Work and Family: Quality Time With Kids When You Work Full-Time. Be sure to check it out! In the meantime, here are a few ways to make the most of your time together:
- Create rituals, routines, or traditions that are special to you and your kids.
- Be fully present when you are together. Put away your cell phone and disconnect completely from everything outside of spending time with your children.
- Participate in activities that allow for meaningful conversation and connection with your kids.
- Set Realistic Expectations. Adjust your expectations to align with the realities of your life. Believe it or not, skills you learn being a mom can actually translate into some amazing superpowers, not only in your home life, but also in your career:
- Figure out your top priorities (daily, weekly, and monthly) and let go of the little tasks. If you focus on your top goals, the smaller stuff often takes care of itself.
- Balance is all about different areas of your life being out of balance at different times. Sometimes, your family demands the most of you. Sometimes it’s your career that needs your focus, and sometimes it’s your health. Just make sure that the scales are not tipped for too long in one aspect of your life, and accept that some seasons of life will feel more balanced than others.
- This is a big one: it’s okay to delegate tasks when you need it. Doing so will lighten both your mental and physical load. Simple things to delegate that are not terribly expensive are: cleaning services to clean your home, laundry wash and fold services, grocery delivery or pickup, and meal prep services. Any or all of these will give you more time to spend with your kids and less time doing chores and errands.
- Practice Self-Compassion. Be kind to yourself. Remember that you are doing your best as a working parent. It’s not easy to do it all, so allow yourself to acknowledge that:
- Stop self-critical thoughts in their tracks. Start immediately replacing your inner critic with a more compassionate voice. With time and practice, you can change the inner dialogue in your head.
- Recognize that mom guilt doesn’t make you a bad mom. In fact, having this guilt in the back of your mind shows how much you care for your kids.
- Give yourself the same kindness you would give a friend in your situation. Instead of beating yourself up, give yourself the same talk you might have with that friend.
- Communicate Your Needs Openly. Start becoming more open about what you’re feeling with your family. By expressing your own needs, your family may be able to help alleviate some of your guilt. Plus, you’ll also strengthen your relationships in your family. For example:
- Talk to your partner about sharing parenting responsibilities.
- Allow your children to help out with chores around the house. While they may push back at first, giving them some responsibility will boost their confidence.
- Discuss flexible work arrangements with your employer if there’s that possibility.
- Create a Support Network. During times when your career may need more attention, you need to have a strong support system to help you out. Start building that system now if you haven’t already:
- Connect with other working moms who understand what you’re going through. This will be good for your mental health, and they also may be able to help you when you need it most.
- Join professional networks in your area so you can connect with other working parents. You can find out what they’re doing to balance it all, and once again, you may be able to lean on them from time to time.
- If mom guilt is too overwhelming or if it’s taking over your life, don’t be afraid to seek professional help. Speaking with a licensed therapist may help you find the root of your feelings.
Ultimately, the challenges of being a working mom are a universal problem. Thus, you need to use or build up a network of people around you. This support system may also include someone who can help you come up with solutions when times are difficult.
Guilt Triggers
As moms, we usually have specific triggers that send us into the spiral of mom guilt. In my own experience, I’ve always had a sinking feeling when I’ve had to miss a field trip or a classroom party. Keep in mind that everyone is different, but here are a few common ones:
mom Guilt: Missing Important Events
Inevitably, work commitments sometimes causes us to miss school events, milestones, or other important moments in our kids’ lives. Be open with your child’s school about your work schedule and see if they have suggestions for making accommodations for your child when necessary.
If you can’t attend an event or game, find other ways you can be involved in it. This may include helping out with preparations for the event or having a big celebration afterward.
In our modern era, you can also use technology to your advantage when you have to miss something. Check within your circle to see if there’s someone who can video the event, or maybe you can even video call into it.
Working Long Hours
Unfortunately, there will be occasions when your job will demand long hours from you. These are times when your focus must shift to travel or spending long, seasonal hours at work.
During these tough times, make a routine of checking in with your child at least daily. This may include a Zoom or just a simple phone call each night.
Additionally, you can plan special activities with your kids for your days off to make up for the time you had to be away from them.
When it’s appropriate, involve your children in your work life. If your company allows, this may include a visit with you to see where you work. Alternatively, you can have conversations with your child so they understand what you do at work and why your work important.
Embracing Self-Care: overcoming mom guilt
Self-care is not a luxury in managing mom guilt – it’s a necessity. You must also take care of yourself so you have the energy and patience to take care of others. Taking time for yourself allows you to be a better parent and professional:
- Schedule a regular time for activities for YOU that help you recharge.
- Don’t feel guilty about taking breaks or asking for help.
- Prioritize your physical health through exercise, your nutrition, and getting enough sleep.
If you’re struggling to fit in self-care as a working mom, please download my Working Mom Self-Care Checklist: 5-Minute Stress Busters. You’ll find quick and easy ways to fit in self-care moments throughout your day.
Keep a Long-Term Perspective In Mind
As you go through this season of being a working mom and also being there for your kids, always keep the long-term in perspective. First of all, your children will grow up seeing a strong and capable role model. Again, children are more likely to imitate what we do rather than what we say. Seeing you as an amazing role-model will help them make better decisions in the future for their own lives.
Also, the skills your children will develop because of your career are invaluable. Your children will gain independence, resilience, and time management skills that they may not have learned otherwise. These skills will serve them well as they become adults.
Lastly, having a career helps your family’s financial security both now and in the future. It’s important to have these discussions with your children so they understand why you need to work. Having a career also helps you have an identity outside of your household and brings you fulfillment outside the home.
Conclusion: Embracing Being an Imperfect Mom
Experiencing mom guilt is incredibly complex, but it’s also very common among working mothers. Especially among mothers who are career-driven, it’s often difficult to reconcile that ambition with maintaining a family life.
But by understanding the roots of this “ideal mother” we have in our heads versus the reality of parenting, we can approach being a mom in a more realistic way. Unfortunately, there’s no quick fix to managing mom guilt; however, try some of these strategies to see if they align well with your life, career goals, and family values.
Most importantly, embrace your imperfections as a working mom – all you can do is your best. As long as you do that, you’re doing amazing as a parent.
Remember, you’re doing important work, both in your family life and in your career. You’re teaching your children valuable life lessons in independence, perseverance, ambition, and resilience. You’re setting an incredible example for your child, so take heart that all your effort to balance it all is not in vain.
Finally, do your best to let go of the mom guilt, embrace your imperfections, and take pride in the powerful example you’re setting for your children. You’re not just a working mom; you’re a mom who works hard, loves hard, and does her best every day. And that is a remarkable achievement for any parent.