A Survival Guide to Toddler Tantrums
Unfortunately, none of us were given a survival guide to toddler tantrums when our children were born. Believe it or not, I have now survived two of my children’s toddler years. We now have one more toddler to go. However, I feel much more equipped to manage Baby A’s toddler years, even though I don’t expect them to be easy.
If your child is in the depths of toddlerhood or preschool-hood and you’re not sure how you’re going to get through it, know that you’re not alone. It’s natural to be overwhelmed by this challenging time. That’s why I’ve created this survival guide to toddler tantrums.
Has anyone in your family ever said their children “never threw a fit like that?” Don’t buy it! Perhaps some mothers block are able to block it out after the toddler years are over. We all have that person in our lives, and it’s my belief that they still have some PTSD from when their children were small.
If you feel like you’re being silently (or not so silently) judged, you aren’t alone in dealing with a toddler that HAS TO HAVE that toy.
There are so many fun and joyful things about toddlers, but tantrums are not one of them.
There is Hope
Although he’s no longer a toddler, my 4-year-old still has a tantrum here and there. I’ve come to expect it in certain situations, such as the dreaded gift shop. Sometimes, it is difficult to remember he is not as emotionally advanced as his 6-year-old sister. Developmentally, he’s not there yet; it doesn’t always stop me from having expectations that aren’t realistic for him.
Thankfully, tantrums get less frequent as our children get older. Remember, there is light at the end of the tunnel as your child ages into school-age years.
However, if you are concerned about the length or frequency of your little one’s tantrums, please be sure to check with your pediatrician. They can advise you as to what is truly within the normal range.
Why do Toddlers throw tantrums?
Most of the time, our children are communicating a need to us they can’t communicate in any other way. Their communication may be hampered by vocabulary or they are too tired to manage their emotional state. Remember, your child’s brain is changing at an incredibly rapid pace. Their brain is not fully developed, especially the prefrontal cortex. The prefrontal cortex controls executive functions and handles important things like attention span, staying on task, ignoring distractions, and yes…regulating emotions. Toddlers and preschoolers don’t regulate their emotions because they can’t.
Truthfully, it’s a good thing they can’t regulate their emotions. I know that sounds crazy but hear me out. Tantrums are linked to their ability to survive. Tantrums are super effective at getting our attention so we will address our child’s needs: hunger, thirst, fatigue, connection, etc. Without this method of communication, our children would not survive early childhood. Remenber, all behaviors are communication, even the undesirable ones.
A Survival guide to toddler tantrums
- Start with the basics. Is your child tired? Hungry? Thirsty? In the heat of a tantrum, your child may not be aware of their need. As a parent, the child’s basic needs are the best place to start when trying to tame a tantrum. Frequently, all they need is a snack. Checking in with the child’s needs is step one of the survival guide to toddler tantrums.
- Distract, distract, distract. Distraction is one of the best ways to curb an oncoming tantrum. When you sense a tantrum coming, give your child a job or switch to another activity. For example, my 4-year-old LOVES to help. Helping meets his need for connection and it will often curb an oncoming tantrum.
- Change the environment. If your toddler is mid-tantrum, sometimes a change of scenery can help. When you’re inside, go outside to get some fresh air and play in the yard. While at a grocery store, go outside for a moment. Sometimes, children get overwhelmed by their environment and they need some space.
- Know their triggers. If you know the cookie aisle is a trigger for your child, set up the expectation upfront that there will be no cookies today. Before heading to a gift store, we set up the expectation in advance with our children that we are not buying toys today. This technique usually diffuses the tantrum before it starts.
- Know your own triggers. Awareness of your own triggers can help you find peace even when your child has a meltdown. If you’re feeling triggered, take some deep breaths. Find your inner peace so you can help your child find their inner peace.
connection is key
- Make them laugh. Make a funny face, fake falling down, or give their stuffed animal a silly personality. Play and silliness works wonders on my 6-year-old. However, keep in mind this method works best when you sense your child getting cranky. Once your child is in the throes of a full-on tantrum, humor won’t work.
- Co-regulate with them. This is one of the best ways to help a child to regulate their emotions in the midst of a tantrum. When children are dysregulated, they need to borrow your regulation system to get back under their own control. When utilizing co-regulation, it’s important for you to stay calm and grounded so you can soothe them. They may need you to hold them, hug them, or sit with them calmly until they are able to calm down. Co-regulating with your child takes some practice and patience on your part. But it truly is worth it and effective. This method is about building trust and connection with your child, even during the midst of a tantrum.
- Avoid a power struggle. Remember, toddlers are little people establishing their own independence. However, much of their day is already decided for them. As a proactive approach, allow your toddler to make low stakes decisions. For example, ask them, “Do you want the red cup or the blue cup?” Giving your child options throughout the day helps fill their “need for power” bucket. If you sense that you are entering a power struggle with your toddler, give them a low stakes choice. For instance, you can say, “I know you’re sad to leave the playground. Would you like to walk or would you like mommy to carry you?”
Conclusion
Understanding that tantrums are a typical part of toddler development is crucial. While these outbursts can be incredibly frustrating, it’s essential to remember that it’s completely normal. Sometimes, toddlers need to let their emotions out through tears, and in those moments, they rely on your presence to help them through it. A child who is throwing a tantrum is doing the best they can to communicate with you. By assuring them you’re there for them, you’re creating a strong bond and helping them get through this challenging part of their development.